Header image alt text

Let Your Sunshine In

Life's Journeys


Happy to be with Nita!I have been single for a while now and I sit here waiting for my knight in shinning armor to come find me. Why am I just sitting here? No one is ever going to find me; just sitting and hiding behind a computer screen. Oh, but it is safe. No one will know my loneliness or heartache. No one will know about my day to day challenges. No one has to know that I am disabled. I feel safe and secure behind this screen. How many other individuals feel the same as I?

But, I am getting no where. I feel my life fading away; Like a beautiful rose fades and slowly wilts, and dies. I know I am ultimately in control of my life. I can choose to fade away or be the caterpillar waiting to break out of her cocoon and set herself free to be that beautiful intriguing butterfly.

But, where does one start looking for a friend, someone to hang out with, share life, and hopefully fall head over heals in love. I don’t get out much, so ponder the idea of on-line dating.

I wonder what are these dating sites like? Are they safe and secure? Do people really find true honest friends from a dating site? Can you really find true love? How do you know the difference from someone being real or a fake?

I mean, anyone can be who they want to be on-line. They can collect tons of pictures and come up with fictitious profile, about who they are. For all I know I could be chatting with someone from Africa. I live in the United States; why would I waste my time talking with someone from another country? When I know I will never meet this person. I also wonder about people outside my state, is there a chance for a relationship from long distance? My thoughts, I doubt it!

For me, the dreaded profile description is the hardest. We are all complex mammals. So how does one try and give a short essay of likes and dislikes? Ugh!! I believe a lot of people have a hard time describing themselves; but someone with a disability has it even harder. I may have challenges, but I have a heart and I am very capable of loving once again.

For me, I don’t know how much to disclose about my disability. It seems most dating sites are not user friendly. When there isn’t even a category for disabilities. A disability can be defined from asthma, back injury, to being wheel chair bound; wouldn’t it be easier to have a pulled down menu to click?

Oh, but wait a minute… most men drool over our photos and send a wink or actually contact you and ask you a couple question. If they would of read the damn profile they wouldn’t of had to ask a question you already stated!

Then, someone contacts you and you rush over to their profile. You read it a few times over; trying to decipher every word. Is there any hint of something he isn’t telling you? He appears to be a nice guy, so away you go to reply, after a while numbers are exchanged, and then both agree it is time to meet.

The meeting; I am always a nervous wreck. This always makes first impressions not so great. My mind is buzzing with thoughts about the walker. When in reality I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks about me using a device to be able to walk! After all The walker does not define who I am.

Away we go in his car. We joke, share some laughs, a bite to eat, and it was a lot fun! Then I wait to hear back from him….. The guy doesn’t have the eggs big enough to ever contact me again! What’s that about, the walker or no attraction? It would be nice to know, don’t you think?

Or the guy that has some manners and calls; just to inform me… That your a nice girl but all’s he can offer you is a sexual relationship. Did I say manners? Well, at least I know how he sees me. What do I have “I am lonely and desperate” tattooed to my fore head? Do I act cheap and give the impression that I am a booty call? I might be lonely, but I am not anyone’s booty call! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

Maybe what I want isn’t out there. Or maybe I am asking for too much. How hard is it to find one man who loves God and family. A man who has a ton of patients, compassion, and some passion left. Someone willing to share the good and bad times. Where ever he is,; I pray he is honest, a good communicator, faithful, jovial, and not a Ken! Is this to much to ask; I ask myself…

cc:nll   8/14