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Let Your Sunshine In

Life's Journeys



chains wrapped around man

I wish you could imagine for one moment being controlled completely by another person. You have no say, have to ask permission to come and go, the constant checking in with your where abouts, and being fearful of the nagging, yelling, screaming over nothing. How would you feel? Would you run and hide? Maybe, you would try to take control back and fight back?

What does control mean to me? It means to be in command, direct, or rule over someone. I Made anyone in my life to check in , limit them, and regulated their life. I also, restrained their self worth and tried to control their emotions.

What’s wrong with this picture? Who gave me the right to control anyone to this extreme? Where was compassion, respect, or love for the individuals in my direct fire?

scared cycle

First off, let me tell you who gave this kind of control; my dad, at the age of seven. I had three baby brothers to take care of, while my mother was at work. I also lived in fear of my dad. So, at age seven I didn’t know or understand the power I was given or how hurtful it was going to be. I had never had compassion, or seen respect, or felt true love. So, how could I give something to someone else, if I myself never learned? So, the images that are forming in your mind right now are negative. I can only imagine!

By the time I was an adult I was so broken, that I thought I was happy. Not!!! The scars don’t always show. Not all wounds heal. Who knew? Sometimes you can’t see, the pain someone feels. So easy to conceal yet in time all starts to reveal; and the control issues only became worst.

Because, of my own worthlessness I truly believe I could change the individuals around me to my way. My relationships always started out so wonder-full. You know the honey moon period! And I always won the battles over control, without them even knowing. I held fast to the idea that my way was the right way. Besides, what did they know? After all, I was the one home taking care of everything; just like at seven years old.

Now, it is a new beginning! I have a new perspective on life. What I did and how I treated people was so wrong. I have been toughed loved and even experienced someone controlling me. I found out real fast how painful “control” can be. As an adult; you have choices and I made rotten ones. There for a time I was so guilt ridden all I did was cry. But, I made amends to as many individuals as I could. I asked God to forgive me.

I got into therapy and learned where, why, and how all my control issues stemmed. I am proud to say I have a set of new skills and with knowledge, the will to change, putting in the hard work,  learning to love myself, and diligent loving friends standing by; I can change old habits.I have broken the chains of control!!!

courage to change

cc: Nita Davis-Lopez 9-5-2013